Lauren's Home!

Today I drove out to Sudbury to collect Lauren. She had gotten a ride East from her friend Jeremy and we agreed to meet at his Mom's condo. Jeremy's Mom had lunch waiting for us; sandwiches and an apple pie. We stayed for a while visiting, before heading back home.

Lauren looks fabulous, and radiates happiness. She and her roommate are really getting along and are even becoming friends. Isn't that wonderful? Their room is an emotional sanctuary for both of them, and I know that this is something that Lauren really needs.

In the last week, she has won a theatre audition and signed up to train for the radio station. She is still doing choral groups 5 times per week, so she is filling her dance card quickly. Her college experience is starting well.

Tonight she is off swing dancing at the local VFW, her favorite Friday night activity. Tomorrow, we will run a few errands before picking up Sarah.

My house is filling up and it is wonderful!

Cory Takes a Stroll

Cory had her first outing today!

A small consulting firm in Cambridge, MA has chosen me to write a database for them. The negotiations and proposals had, to date, been done via email and phone calls. Today was our first face-to-face meeting. Meeting new clients is always a challenge. I am not particularly corporate, so choosing the correct outfit is the first challenge. Today I had an additional decision: au natural, do-rag/hat or Cory [the wig]?

The outfit chosen included an Asian style cream jacket with black denim jeans and black clogs. Yea, Cory would work with this. First time on, Cory looked really odd. Whoops! She was on sideways! Once on straight, I was a totally different person. [I can not begin to describe the feeling I have when looking a mirror and someone I don't know looks back!]

And so Cory hit the road. One person at this meeting knew something wasn't right, but of course, was too polite to say anything. I used every bit of energy at my disposal to stay focused, to sound intelligent and to take decent notes. By the time I returned home, I was spent but the meeting went well. Cory did her job well and is sitting on the stand waiting for her next date.

Thinking of Others

Each morning, I wake and 'commute' to my office across the hall. Generally I scan my email inbox, perhaps read one or two before heading to the kitchen for coffee. Since most of my clients are in the same time zone, most mornings there is little waiting for my attention.

This morning was different however. Two friends had sent emails and my thoughts are with both of them.

My dear friend Kristina had her first Taxol/Herceptin treatment yesterday. For some reason, she was anxious about this treatment; one of those unexplained trepidations. Since Kristina generally emails at least a short note when she gets home from the hospital, I was concerned as I headed to bed without having heard from her. In fact, I almost called, but since she has a young daughter with a cold, I didn't want to risk waking the sleeping toddler. This morning, her email had arrived. During her Taxol infusion, Kristina had had an allergic reaction. Measures were taken, she is fine, but it is all so scary and frightening.

And then Russ emailed a short and terse message.... "being evacuated. Let you know how we are doing when we can." A quick check at cnn.com and there is the story: San Fernando Valley, 7,000 acres burning, evacuation underway. So Russ, his wife and two young children are being sent to a shelter to wait.

Please keep both of my friends, and their families, in your thoughts today.

Working Again

Today I went to work. I showered, dressed [with headgear], and drove across town to a client office where I proceeded to work for five hours. When I left the house I had visions of trying to run a few errands after the client visit, but instead I steered the car home completely exhausted.

Being so tired after a half-day of work is a new thing for me. It is taking some getting used to, but I understand that with each chemo treatment the fatigue will be worse. And then during the six weeks of radiation, the fatigue will get really serious. I am trying hard to give myself permission to reduce my expectations of myself, but on the 'good' days I keep hoping to make up for all the bad ones.

On many levels, I am doing well with this new reality. I no longer berate myself for work not done, and instead choose the things that feel important that day. Sometimes it is organizing boxes, sometimes it is being in contact with close friends, and sometimes it is about just getting my snacks on a plate. However my Puritan upbringing can not be discounted easily, and the protestant work-ethic rears its head whenever I am feeling well.

Moving to a totally new topic, today was the first day I covered my head when I went out. At the client office, employees who never saw the pixie cut didn't seem to notice that I was wearing a do-rag and no curly bush of hair. No second glances or odd looks! And then when I stopped by another client office to drop off a cd, I had to take the thing off since it was so darn hot. The president of the company looked at me and said "damn, you look good." He might have meant it too, who knows? These are not the reactions I have been prepared for and leaves me pondering what reactions I need to have prepared.

Tuesday Update

Today the hair is falling out at a rapid rate. I no longer look like I might have chosen the GI Jane look. Nope, I now look like someone who is being treated with chemo. Yup, I have crossed the line. I am surprised by the difference actually, but if nothing else, I am learning to roll with the punches.

With this change, I am finding myself a little more reluctant to go au natural. I don't want other people to feel uncomfortable; I'm not uncomfortable at all. Isn't that another surprise? My biggest complaint? My head is hot! I rip off any headcovering as soon as I walk in the door.

I am left with seven quality days before the next chemo round begins. During this time I will: enjoy Lauren and Sarah's visits, cook snacks for round 3, finish two sets of client files, meet a new client, service another old client, stock the pantry, and finish the magazine organization project. Well, we'll see!

Back to Good

It is now official: day 6 is the worst for me. Even with 9 hours of sleep last night, I was tired and slightly feverish for much of the day. I have now marked my calendar for the next round so that I remember not to schedule a darn thing.

And yet, it was a really lovely day. Beth W. came to visit at 11:00, carrying cheeses and crackers. These were wonderful! She brought a greek goat cheese, an Irish cheddar and a smoked mozzarella. For some reason the goat cheese really struck my fancy, and I nibbled to my heart's content. When she left, Beth had some tomatoes from the garden in a small bag along with some of that cheese. I hope that she was able to enjoy them with her homegrown lettuce tonight.

Leslie headed off to New Hampshire and I was on my own for a while, and darn if I didn't need a nap! At 2pm, the doorbell rang and it was the house cleaners. A full hour early. They took over my house with loud vacuums, and solvents, and sheer energy. In the middle of this whirlwind, my Dad arrived and was sent almost immediately to buy me a sandwich at Sherman's Cafe, my latest favorite.

And then David arrived in the evening with Thai food and a movie. Several folks called during dinner checking to make sure I was alright. I felt very cared for. We enjoyed the movie, and now it is quiet. David has gone home, my Dad is soundly asleep, and I have just finished a nice IM session with Lauren.

My fever is gone, and I am rebounding. Just a little more sleep and I will be as good as new.

Darn Fever Again!

Like clockwork, the fever has returned. Last night it began around 10:00 pm with chills, and stupidly, I didn't even understand what was happening. All I knew was that I wanted to crawl into bed. Leslie, more astute than I, brought the thermometer and I was once again at 99.9.

Nine hours [and three wake-ups] later, my fever is down in the low 99's, and I hope that I am able to keep it down through sheer willpower, if nothing else. Clearly today is a day to hunker down, stay indoors, and keep hydrating.

Think cool thoughts!

p.s. Down to 98!!!!!

Hair Surprises

As a young girl, my mother cut my hair. Well, to be more accurate, she hacked at my hair. As I approached 10, this became a bit of a marathon, as I ran through the house trying to get away from this woman with scissors. To this day, I have no idea what about longer hair my Mother hated, but childhood pictures are filled with young children with horrid haircuts. My hair was always cut to the top of a collar, straight across as though I had straight hair.

The day I moved out at age 16, I let my hair grow longer. And then at the age of 46, I have had to cut it off completely. There have been some surprises.

One, I don't mind having shorter hair though it turns out my hair grows quickly and when shorter, needs a trim at least every 3 weeks. This affects the family budget! Where once I could get a trim every 4-5 months, we are now talking 3 weeks. [My development rates might have to go up!]

When it rains, the water touches the back of your neck, and that is a totally new experience. On the one hand it tickles, and on the other, the gentleness of the water touching a long hidden area of skin is tender. And now that the top of my head is exposed, I can only imagine what snow or rain will feel like. Within the next months, I will discover this sensation as well.

The hair is falling out now. These little 1/8 inch pieces of hair are releasing themselves where ever I happen to be. Using the Kristina method, I have a cat lint brush, the kind with heavy duty tape, and I am rolling it across my head. This should save our plumbing from a hair emergency, and it is a rather nice massage at the same time.

The temperatures are also dipping here as we are definitely headed into Fall, and my head gets cold. Hats are needed early in the morning, and then again at night. It takes some getting used to, having a hat band going across the forehead, and so far, it isn't comfortable.

As I had hoped, by controlling how I have lost my hair I have reduced the trauma to nothing. This is just something else that is happening to me. It means that the drugs are working; nothing more, nothing less.

Dipping

Today I headed down the susan-chemo scale with waves of nausea that came faster than I could eat snacks. For the first time, I needed to take optional drugs [the ones they say, take if you need it] and then I crawled into bed and slept for two hours.

This was definitely the best approach. Upon waking, I am feeling better. Leslie is planning a dinner that includes some magic mashed potatoes.

Here's to staying back at an EIGHT.

Moving Forward

Round 2, with the exception of the first day, has mirrored Round 1 almost exactly. I had forgotten how hard I worked during Round 1 to maintain my 8 on the susan-chemo scale, but was quickly reminded yesterday when I waited too long between snacks.

My day is filled with just taking care of myself.

8am, breakfast of oatmeal and coffee, take meds
10:30 am, melon smoothie and rye toast [yuck! Melon doesn't make a good smoothie]
12:30 pm, yogurt with boysenberry jam, take meds
2:30 pm, hummus & tszaksis
4:30 pm, two mini quiche [this was good!]
6:30 pm, can't remember!, take meds
8:30 pm, mashed taters and meatballs, take meds
10:30 pm, ice cream with chocolate sauce [thanks J.!]
plus, drink 3 litres of non-caffeinated liquid

And then it starts all over again this morning:
7am, mini Stonyfield smoothie, take meds [this lets Leslie sleep longer]
8:30 am, oatmeal and coffee

Tedious eh? On the flip side, I am having bursts of unexpected energy. Yesterday I organized all my hats into little cloth buckets, selected 'lite' books to take to the hospital and bagged them, swept the house, and arranged to try a new house cleaner. Today I plan to mend Leslie's tuxedo pants, make some waffle drawer linings from cloth, work on some MIT files, and I might even take a nap!

I have one client in crisis who needs me to look at their files, but this makes me very nervous, to say the least! Decadron and high-end thought are pretty much mutually exclusive. But they are on deadline, so not sure what the answer is there.

My friend Kristina's husband will be riding in the LiveStrong race in Portland this weekend. Think good thoughts and send them in that direction. He has raised close to $2,000 for cancer research in honor of his wife. May he have a wonderful ride.

Looks like Lauren will be coming home next weekend. She misses her square dancing on Friday nights, and I think she might just miss us too. Since Sarah will also be here, we will have a full and happy house. Good stuff!

All About Ernie

I keep reflecting about Ernie, the Costco pharmacist. Ernie was in fact doing his job, but he did more than that. How do you thank these people?

While talking to my sister Sarah, I told her this story and she knew exactly how to thank him. She said, "Well certainly a thank you card is nice, but we are talking about corporate America Susan. Thank you notes don't actually cut it." [She was more eloquant, but stay with me.]

She continued, "The president of Costco receives hundreds of letters every day from a**holes who complain about everything. Your letter, full of admiration and thanks for a specific employee will shine out of that pile of letters. The store manager will be comended for having kept such a valuable employee, and that valuable employee will have this glowing letter in his files which will be noticed when it is bonus time. That my sister, is how you thank him." [She did recommend not mentioning that Ernie purchased $1200 worth of drugs that might not ever be needed however.]

Brilliant, eh? So, I have now collected the name of the president of Costco, the vice president of the pharamcies, the store manager and Ernie's full name. When I no longer have decadron brain, I will write a letter that makes Ernie appear to be a saint! Because, he is one to me.

Day 2, the second

I just went back and reread last round's day 2, and today wasn't that much different. I woke early ready for that oatmeal and was able to drink coffee [YAY!]

I then emailed Nurse Jenn. There was no question that the six hours following the chemo yesterday was far more difficult than the first round had been. My guess was that the pre-chemo drug that is sent through my drip, the decadron, had been reduced. Her response confirmed my suspicions. The decadron had been reduced to almost half. We will discuss this, but I have no doubt that I would do better with a little more.

Today's hospital visit included the Nuelasta shot and an ultrasound. I found out at checkin that Judy was NOT available; Nurse Paula was my substitute. I admit that I pouted, but the options are limited. Nurse Judy was in a required CPR training class, Nurse Paula was not.

I was sent to the floater chair again, and this time did not request something more private. Nurse Paula asked many questions, all intelligent, and then really listened to all the answers. When we got to the needle part, I had to give her the full rundown. "Hate needles, will cling to arm chair to transfer pain to that arm, this is why they make them so strong, am a wimp, a very strong and determined wimp, will look away, will hate it, but will not faint." The woman across the way who was having her chemo treatment, started to laugh out loud. She bellowed "Well aren't you great?" We smiled at each other, and the needle went in. Not so bad.

Onto the ultrasound where they found nothing of concern. More good news!

On the way home we stopped at Whole Foods to find something that might appeal to me. On sale, lamb which we will turn into kabobs with tomatoes from the garden, onion and mushrooms. Even now the cucumbers are draining so I can make Tzaikis, along with hummus. I bought pre-made tabouli to which I will add some mint and lemon juice which freshens it up. Great dinner and fabulous small protein snacks for tomorrow.

Sounds good doesn't it?

Chemo Round 2

Today's infusion was a little harder on my body than round 1. But let me go back to the beginning.

We arrived at the hospital at 9:00 am and went through the drill. Check in, vital signs, blood and then a meeting with Nurse Jenn. For 20 minutes we talked about how I was feeling, side effects and how amazing my pharmacist had been. After changing into a hospital robe, Nurse Jenn gave me the most complete and gentle examination. By this time, I had taken the Emend. My blood tests were not yet ready, so I headed to the waiting room.

During this wait, Leslie slipped across the street to buy me a snack; a sour cream coffee cake.

The infusion room was hopping this morning. Nurse Judy began her process. Warming pads on either side of my arm to puff up my veins, IV injection [which was no where near as painless this time], and the saline drip. By now, Leslie had returned. The next step is the decadron drip, and oral pills. Then, we started the chemo.

It was decided to reduce the decadron this time, so at the end of the treatment, I wasn't so very high. To be honest, I preferred the high. By the time we arrived home, I was not feeling so very well. After a snack, I crawled into bed and slept.

After waking Leslie made me a grilled chicken breast and garlic mashed potatoes for dinner. I didn't find the chicken attractive, but the mashed potatoes were fabulous! Those magic garlic mashed potatoes rejunvinated both me and my stomach. I am feeling so much better, back to an 8 on the Susan-Chemo scale.

For my 11 pm snack Leslie and I headed to J. P. Licks' ice cream shop in Davis Square where I had an old fashioned ice cream soda. How delicious was this! Leslie chose a small sundae. We then walked for 45 minutes. A really wonderful way to end this day.

It is now time to take my final meds of the day, finish the end of my 3 litres of water, and crawl into bed. Thank you for all the good thoughts today.

Self Portrait

After my heartwarming moment at Costco, I drove to Waltham to have my hair cut by Kim. Though I had planned to go visit Kim towards the end of the day with Leslie, her babysitter was unable to stay late, and so she snuck me into her schedule during lunchtime.

To start with, Kim insisted on washing my hair. I murmured that this was really unnecessary, but she said "this is a real hair cut." And so it was. She started with scissors which left the hair about an inch long. It was almost cute, but it wasn't short enough. We moved to the electric razor with a number three attachment, then a two, and finally at my insistence, a one. Kim had difficulty locating the one. She never uses it. Along the way we passed through a militant lesbian look, the duckling look, and finally ended up at a crew cut.

Though I had planned to have someone with me, being alone was fine. I had no 'moment' of emotion, no need to weep [though I did have Kleenex close by just in case.] This was another heartwarming moment actually, being treated with dignity and care by people that I like. Throughout the haircut we talked about Kim's four month-old son and Lauren, our two favorite topics.

I have found hats to be too hot today [we are in a tropical, humid pattern] and have pulled them off at every opportunity. I like the shape of my head just fine, as my Mother promised me I would. On the way home, I stopped at a favorite jewelry shop and bought myself some lovely earrings. I know Leslie wanted to buy these for me, so I consider them a gift from my husband.

Here are some strange self-portraits; funny lighting and a very funny angle, but it is what I can manage tonight.

Ups & Downs

Being sick really means learning to depend on others. I am relying on my friends for love and kindness. I am depending on my doctors and medical team to not only read all the tests correctly, but to determine the correct course of treatment to give me the only odd I want. I am depending on my husband to love and feed me on a two-hour schedule. I also rely on my pharmacist to give me the prescribed drugs in the correct strength and quantity.

Last night, my father indicated some interest in seeing the Emend. He once worked for Merck, and is always interested in what is new. So I pulled the package [one package contains all three pills. It is a tri-fold package] out of the Costco bag, and demonstrated how you simply unfold. As I unfolded, I gasped. The first pill was clearly missing. Upon further inspection, the other two pills were missing as well. I was now officially hysterical.

Getting the Emend from Costco had required a two-day waiting period because they simply don't keep it in stock. I was running out of time. My next chemo treatment is Wednesday morning at 9:30. The earliest I could contact Costco was going to be opening time, 10:00 AM. In case the math is hard for you, this is not two-days!

At 8 this morning I called Nurse Jenn. No, she has no samples. Yes, she would call in another prescription at an alternate pharmacy if needed.

At 10 I was at Costco. I approached Ernie, my pharmacist and told him the story. "I wanted to show my Dad, I pulled it out of the bag, this is what it looked like, I know you don't have these in stock... is there anything we can do?"

Ernie looked appalled. "I didn't check the box. I assumed the package was fine. But, I have them in stock." He then looked directly at me, "I wanted to have them here for you."

As he was reprinting the labels I asked, "May I kiss you?" Ernie replied, "I don't think my wife would appreciate that." "Tell you wife to give you an extra kiss tonight then," I suggested. Ernie smiled at me and said, "Well she just might. Today is our 40th wedding anniversary. I don't know where all those years went."

Ernie swapped my package for one with pills. Not for a moment did he question my honesty. He had ordered these expensive pills just so they would be in the store whenever I needed them. There are good people in this world, and Ernie is amongst them.

Broken

Phew... back to normal.

Fever!

I have been so careful about being exposed to germs, and damn it, I am running a fever. It has been going up and down for most of the day getting precariously close to the magic 100.4 that sends me to the emergency room.

This is not good news for a chemo patient. They will delay my treatment, and it throws me into the unknown, the thing I hate the most.

My friend Dave and I were going to go out for dinner, but instead chose to eat in since I am now nervous about germs. Dave was a great helping with the dinner. We started a meatball assembly line. Dave formed the balls while I cooked them and made him a fresh tomato sauce to enjoy with his pasta. There are now two pounds of small meatballs in the freezer. Small protein snacks!

Wild & Crazy

Last week, I did something irresponsible, bordering on wild and crazy. I don't generally do anything that is wild, much less crazy, but my life has changed and I am not really happy about that.

As parents we have dreamed of having a young and confident daughter who was ready to leave home. This is the ultimate goal after all... to help your offspring find their way to a healthy adulthood. Leslie and I have succeeded, and so has Lauren. She is off at college and for the next four years that is her job. She is to glean all the knowledge she can from this experience, both in and out of the classroom.

And in our spare moments, Leslie and I enjoyed dreaming about what this time might be like. We could eat 'mixed' foods [don't ask,] eat dinner, or not, we could on a whim go out on a school night, or crawl into bed early. I dreamed of using Leslie's Spring Break in March to travel to France to visit my cousins and meet all the new babies. This was supposed to be my new normal this year. And then on June 13th, the goals for this year changed dramatically. Instead of thinking about quiet dinners, I was thinking about chemo. Instead of dreaming of travels, I was thinking about rads. Instead of imagining a life without Lauren as the guiding force, I was headed to a life directed by doctors and protocols.

And then the rumors of Delta's bankruptcy began and I just got angry. Not only was I not going to France, but I was going to lose ALL those frequent flier miles I have been saving and building for the past four years. This just wasn't fair!!!

So last Tuesday, I started playing the what-if game on the Delta website and it wasn't fun. I could get us to Europe, but not back. There wasn't a SaverSeat to be had the entire month of March. After trying for over an hour, I dialed the phone.

My call was answered by Elandro, and he was gracious and helpful. I explained that I had been unable to find even one seat home during the entire month of March and hoped that he might be able to assist me. I admit, I further explained that I would be three months post-chemo and taking this trip with my husband was important to me.

Elandro asked me about my diet, how I was keeping such a positive attitude, murmured words like important and then got to work. He reviewed what I had been doing online, and remarked "you are leaving from Boston? Wouldn't you prefer a direct flight?" Of course, I responded, but I couldn't find that option. 'Ah,' he said. 'Let me see what I can do.' 'And what days did you wish to travel?' 'Would you mind holding?' 'Do you mind flying on Air France?' 'Could you hold? You are so patient.....'"Our partners at Air France have direct, non-stop flights." "Are you sure these are the dates you want? Ah yes Ms. Susan, you have plenty of miles for this trip."

Working with Elandro was everything that the web site wasn't. Elandro came back on to the line "All I need is the name of the passengers and we will have this all done." I sat in my office with my fingers crossed, chanting, "it could work, it could work." And then he said the magic words, I have two seats booked direct to Paris, leaving on March 1 and returning on March 22. The electronic ticket is on its way. Can I do anything else for you?"And it was done. I have two tickets [for the minimum of 100,000 frequent flier miles] to Paris for the the month of March on Air France, which is not declaring bankruptcy!

Leslie and I are going to France!!!!!! I have no idea how we will pay for it, or what we will do when we get there, or or or ..... But here is my carrot. As they inject bright red chemo into my veins, I will think of Anne and Henri and all the new grandchildren. As I lie on that radiation table, I will dream of olive oil and wine. During my ultrasounds and shots, I will dream of bread and cheese. And when it feels too hard to work, I will think of the museums and ruins.

Fun with Puff Pastry

As often happens, when I start a project I am not really sure where I will end up. I began with the premise that I needed new and different snacks for my next chemo round. Though the little frozen quiche I had purchased at Costco weren't bad, as my taste buds decline, all I could actually taste of these little treats was salt. So, given that I know how to beat an egg, making my own tiny quiche seemed like a clever idea.

I started by making the mix-ins. Pancetta and ham rendered into crispy cubes, chopped blanched spinach, diced feta cheese, and lots of shredded guyere. The custard is easy: 6 eggs and 2 cups of milk with a pinch of salt. A simple formula that can be increased or decreased without any change in the results.

Since I was feeling lazy, I purchased sheets of puff pastry. Now the good news about puff pastry is that it puffs. The bad news about puff pastry is that it puffs. With a biscuit cutter, I made rounds of the puff pastry which I then rolled out and placed into muffin tins. I filled the center of the tin with ceramic marbles so that I would have a cavity to place the quiche filling. After placing the first tray into the oven, I heard a random metallic 'pop.' Darn if the marbles weren't getting thrown from the tin into the oven!

Removing the ceramic marbles was a bit of a challenge, but I was left with puff shells. I placed shredded guyere at the bottom of each shell, and then added either spinach and feta, or ham. Then I filled the shell with the custard mixture. Well, puff pastry is rather pourous, and the custard didn't sit in the shell, it was absorbed by it. At first this concerned me. After all, this is not the way 'it is supposed' to be. But then I thought, "who cares? If it tastes good, that is enough." And I continued filling, baking, and rolling.

This was all very exciting. Long and short of it is, that after Leslie 'sampled for quality assurance' a number of the resulting mini-quiche, I have 12 minis, 6 small and 1 large quiche in the refrigerator/freezer.

Of all the pastries that I created, two of the puffs were failures. When pulled from the oven, they had wholes in the bottom of the pastry. No way to add goodies, so instead we put a dap of apricot jam on top and had a sweet and delicious treat.

The quiche assembly line.
















Mini Quiches fresh from the oven.

Random Musings

Yesterday I actually went to a client office and did some work. It was a follow up visit, and as is often the case with this particular client, I built a tool that is absolutely to spec, but it isn't actually what they need! So I get a few more billable hours out of this, though it does mean I need to go over there this weekend to install. That part of it is a little tedious, I admit.

This same client has paid big bucks to a network/systems guy. He always seems to be hanging around eliminating spyware, tweaking operating systems and fiddling with their internet connection. Yesterday I stopped by Staples, and there he was. Buying his technology needs at Staples. Now that is a little lame. [This is the same guy that billed them for testing a backup system that when we needed it was writing to a defective DVD burner. Nope, there was no backup.]

I will say this about Mr. Network. He built them a really nice, fast server that has been flawless. Poor Mr. Network didn't recognize me. Sometimes I forget about the Pixie Cut.

Margaret's radioactivity is fully underway, and I now understand what is going on a little better. The pill that she took is radioactive iodine, and it is the treatment for her hyperthyroidism. This is not a test. The choice she had included either surgery or take this pill. She did what any sensible person would do, in my opinion. What I don't understand is what happens next. Unfolding thyroid sagas!

For the past few days I have felt great during the day, and then starting around 5 pm, things go downhill. I get a tightness in my stomach which just feels wrong. It isn't exactly nausea though, and as you can tell, I don't even know how to describe it. Last night, the pain woke me up. Or maybe it was the nightmare. Or maybe I had a nightmare because I was in pain. Either way, at 2:15 I was wide awake and in pain. A small drink and half an hour later, I was no better off so I took some of my drugs. Aspirin for the stomach pain [that may be similar to jumbo shrimp] and an Ativan for nausea and insomnia. Within 10 minutes, I was sound asleep and awoke this morning feeling fully refreshed. Research today indicates that I may be having heartburn. It is a common chemo side effect, but since I have never had heartburn, I have no idea what that feels like. I will talk with Nurse Jenn and get her opinion.

For the rest of the day I am preparing foods for the next chemo round. Small protein, healthy snacks that I can quickly reheat are clearly required. Yet, finding these snacks in two or three hour intervals is getting tyrannical. One idea I have had is making quiche in muffin tins, so I have bought all the major ingredients [ham, spinach, cheese] so I can make different variations. At Trader Joe's I found mini-Spanikopitas. I think some homemade meatballs might be good as well.

And it is time to call Kim for the final haircut. My hair is loosening somewhat, but not yet falling out in clumps. I am worried that if I wait until after the next chemo treatment, I won't feel well enough to get to the salon which is quite a distance away, and I will have to live through a phase of hair that is repulsive to me. A new friend has sent me about 20 hats and scarves which arrived yesterday. This woman has taste! And her taste is my taste. What a relief to have so many attractive choices. Thank you so much Barb!

Tomorrow is all about building these files for the aforementioned client, and making another major push on some other files that are close to install-ready. Productivity is good right now since I know what is coming.

Many Candles!

Happy Birthday Kristina!!!!!

Enjoy your day, and your cake, and your gifts, and your friends, and your family!

from the whole *susan* clan

Bicycle Delivery

Last night was a little touch and go. Not sure what hit me, but I had a two-hour wave of nausea. It hit as I was trying to cut pounds of tomatoes into cubes for a roasted tomato sauce. The lovely smoked chicken that Leslie had grilled for our dinner no longer appealed to me, and he was nice enough to fix me a second meal consisting of a fresh peach smoothie and some toast.

Though I was feeling weak, I spent time some time talking with my Mother and sister Margaret later in the evening. Margaret warns me that standing on my feet, especially in the heat, will bring these waves on. I am going to need to learn how to chop and dice sitting, at least for the next few months.

This morning we woke bright and early, ready to head west to visit Lauren. Technically we were delivering a bicycle, but seeing her was certainly good motivation. In addition to the bicycle, we carried a bag with crusty bread, tomato brushetta and pesto and a ream of paper. Evidently, there is no paper in western Massachusetts!

Lauren and her roommate have done a good job of organizing the room so that it functions well for both of them. The bed is about 4 feet off the ground so that the refrigerator fits underneath, the desk holds only the computer and speakers, and the closet holds both dressers. I sat in Lauren's chair, snuggled up with the green poodle blanket that Kristina sent as a "Happy College" gift while Lauren told us about her classes, crew, professors and friends. All too soon an hour had passed, and it was time for Leslie and I to head home.


Leslie took a picture of the two of us before we got into the car and headed home. Not a great shot, but it will have to do. This is the last one we will have together while I still have hair.

Post 101

Should I have a party? I never thought that I could do anything consistently, and here I am with 100 blog posts. Yup, it was just yesterday that I wondered what I could possibly share on a daily basis, and look at me now. My fingertips are calloused, my eyes are strained from reading on screen text, and this blog has become a part of my daily existence.

I am now on Day 8... it was one week ago today that I had those drugs fed through my arm. This morning, my email inbox had an appointment reminder.... "Don't forget, one week from today you have a medical appointment." Nope, hadn't forgotten that even for a moment!

To manage my stuff, I still need to eat regularly in smaller portions. I tried eating a slightly larger meal last night [Thai food, new restaurant, very good] but at 11:30, I still needed a snack. So it was an interesting experiment, but I am now going to stick to the small snack routine. The hardest snack is first thing in the morning. The rest of the day is manageable since I know the magic moment is about to arrive and can prepare ahead of time.

I am managing to sleep without drugs, and my sleep leaves me rested. Now that I am drinking to thirst, as Nurse Jenn calls it, I don't need to wake up as frequently during the night either. If this continues, I will now get 6 days of good energy before we begin this cycle all over again.

But my BEST news is that Lauren needs/wants her bicycle. And to get a bicycle to her someone has to deliver it. [See where this is going?] So tomorrow morning Leslie and I are packing the bicycle into the car, gathering up some tomatoes, bread and pesto, and heading West. It will be an extremely short visit since indeed Lauren needs to go to class, train for crew and do all these other college things, but I am very much looking forward to seeing her.

This trip, I am going to make sure that we get a picture with the two of us while I still have hair.

Getting Help

My friend Gretchen cautions me. She senses that I am doing too much for others, not taking care of myself quite enough. She is probably right. [Okay, she is definately right!]

But, how do I change what gives me pleasure just because I have breast cancer? Should I? Is it okay to keep doing what makes me happy until I don't have that energy anymore? Or should I be preserving energy for the next rounds? In fact, can you store energy that way?

I love the depth of Gretchen's thoughts. So often she finds ways to help me calm the chaos in my brain. She would say that this is a gift from BC.... I just think she is the gift.

Day 6: Astonishing

As I am now about halfway through day 6, post-chemo, I am astonished that I feel as well as I do. A little update. Last night I reduced the amount of Ativan I used to get to sleep. Made sense since my decadron quantity has been dipping over the past two days per my prescription. At 5:30, I woke [for the third time, this drinking 3 quarts of water a day has a decided side effect] and was totally and completely awake. I needed a snack, right now.

Once up, I wrote some emails, pondered the order of the world, and by 7:30 I was able to crawl back into bed and get another hour of sleep. There is no question that I am still 'speeding' on the steroids, but I am able to keep more control over the directions of my thoughts, which is encouraging. Now, I haven't actually minded the steroids per se; they have given me ammunition against lots of other stuff. However, I do need to reread everything I write, and reconsider every thought, 'cause sometimes stuff just doesn't make sense!

Leslie has just reluctantly left for his two-day away teaching days in New Hampshire. He doesn't like leaving me right now, and I suspect is a little disappointed that summer is over. With my dx in June, there hasn't been much fun in this summer, and now with tomatoes everywhere, suddenly it is over.

Last night I finally was able to reach my sister in LA, and have a really long and wonderful talk. I suspect that I talked way more than I listened, but she is a good sister and tolerates me well. Next week she gets radioactive, and listening to her list of do's and don'ts is astonishing. She must stay 6 feet away from adults, farther away from children and pregnant women. Her cats aren't supposed to sleep with her. [Hardly likely!] As my friend Laura and I have said on more than one occasion lately, this would be totally fascinating stuff if they weren't doing it to us!

I am starting to ponder and plan a trip to the West Coast. Seems impractical to be planning any type of trip as we run through our savings, pay for college, and have limited income, but it seems important to me right now. So it is! I am having a bit of difficulty justifying a trip all the way to the Pacific ocean without including a stop in LA to see Margaret. Just have to see how my frequent flier miles add up as I look into this more closely.

I would slip this trip in between chemo, Thanksgiving and radiation. Once they start the rads, I am stationary for over 6 weeks.

Friends nearby who like tomatoes, we had to harvest over 20 of these delicious fruits today, so please come by and get a couple to enjoy. I still have basil to go with them! Just give a call before arriving, just in case.

Sunday Morning

Last night we went to bed earlier, around midnight. Though I admit to having a slight fantasy that going to bed earlier who allow me to sleep longer, or hold off my need for a stomach coating, the rules of nature do not allow for this. At precisely 8 hrs, I was up and needed something to eat.

I am finding that my mornings are the best energy, and now it is up to me to determine how to use that energy. Do I use it to take care of clients, maintain my communications with my friends and family, or what? So far, keeping up with friends and Lauren has been the primary goal. Lauren's happiness and enthusiasm for college has been a major 'drug' for me.

No big plans for today. I need to do a final re-organization of the guest room since my Dad starts his teaching semester tomorrow, and will once again be spending the night here on a weekly basis. I started some file sorting in my office, and the piles on the floor need to be put away. I need to encourage a few more friends to enjoy tomatoes; they are ripening so fast out there. And, it is time to harvest the basil and make loads of pesto.

I suspect that this is an ambitious list for the amount of energy I will have today. What gets done, gets done. And everything else can wait.

Day 4: Moving Towards a Solid 7

Today was a little harder. Started well enough, but without the Emend, I was able to feel the battles that my body is undergoing. Ignorance was better!

We were able to head to Costco in search of a printer [which is only available online!] Unfortunately, the parking lot was being used for a Riverfest Festival, and a trip that normally takes 1 hour stretched into two. Waste of energy for me.

My friends Sandi and Beth stopped by this morning, bringing some special tea. They went home with an ample supply of tomatoes and basil.

By 4 pm, I was hitting the 6's, so I took more drugs and crawled into bed. Thank goodness, I was able to nap. Upon waking, we skipped the snack and dove right into dinner.

Post-dinner I am feeling human again and hope that this lasts for at least a little while.

Small Protein Gifts

L. came by yesterday. Her violin needs a little work, her bow is need of a rehair, maybe more. I don't know. I don't generally get involved in Leslie's instrument repair visit. In fact, I don't generally know when folks I like are dropping by.

However, Leslie let me know that L. was coming by, so I pulled off my almost-pj bottoms, and threw on some jeans so I could greet her.

She brought me a present!!! A present to share with Leslie. She had read about my small protein needs, and brought these beautiful, individually vacuum-wrapped tenderloin steaks. Perfect! Leslie grilled them for dinner, with some garlic mashed potatoes and small petite peas. How delicious! I was able to eat about 1/2 of mine, while the rest is sitting in the refrigerator waiting the appropriate snack opportunity.

L. went home with three lovely tomatoes right off the vine, with enough basil to do some damage. I hope that she enjoyed it tremendously with her dinner.

Around 11:30, I needed another stomach coater and so I opted to have some of the J & K sundae fest ice cream that was still sitting in the freezer with some of the chocolate syrup.

Today is a new drug regimen so I have no idea how I will feel. No more Emend, lower doses of decadron, everything else is optional. Right now I feel queasy, but hope that goes away when the oatmeal is done. I hear that fatigue may start to set in, but again, we will just have to see.

I am expecting a few friends to stop by and visit. Diversions would be a good way to spend the day! Otherwise, my plans are minimal on Day 4.

Puritan Rule No 106

Following my first chemo infusion, the first call I made was to my Mother. My Mother has been the primary caretaker for so many people. She managed my Aunt Kit's first and second battles with cancer. The first diagnosis, Kit remained in New York City, so my Mother had to fly down regularly to meet with the doctors at Sloan-Kettering, help with the after-effects of the chemo, make sure Kit's apartment was properly stocked, before heading home to take care of her own family of 4 kids and a husband.

When Kit's cancer metastasized into her spine, she moved into my parent's house. My father rebuilt a first floor room into a bedroom and wheelchair accessible bathroom since by now Kit was confined. I suppose that my Mother arranged to let go of the Manhattan apartment, and move furniture, and whatever else one does when leaving an apartment of over 30 years. This was a long battle, but my Mother did it with an ever-growing support system.

Next was Margaret. A full year of daily medical ups and downs. My Mother was her best friend, her strongest nagger, her advocate and her Mother. This was hard and during it all, my Mother managed to keep her job and continue her undergraduate classes at Wellesley College.

Right after Andrew's death, my Grandmother [my Mother's Mother] was diagnosed with non-Hogkins lymphoma, and so she moved into my parent's house for a few months. Thank goodness my grandmother's insurance covered an in home nurse aid for bathing and other personal hygiene issues. But again, my Mother was the primary caretaker.

And then back to Margaret and her ovarian surgery. My mother made the trip across the country to care for Margaret. In this case, the news was good! The surgery was the treatment. My Mother used all her vacation time, all three weeks, to be there. Her company was so impressed, that they gave her an additional week of vacation time so that she can do some holiday vacationing. An uncommon kindness in today's world.

How can one family have so much of this?

And now we are at me. My Mother is not my primary caretaker, and we are still learning how to do this together. She really sympathizes with Leslie's role, and I believe that her admiration for him has grown expodentially.

So we talk on the phone a fair amount. I am learning to let her know gently when I am getting tired. My Mom's feelings can get hurt very easily.

And so, I was telling my Mom about the first chemo infusion. And then about shopping for the wig and how high I was, and that this made choosing a wig much easier! What did Puritan Mom say?

"Well, you should really tell the nurses that you were high after the first chemo and ask them to reduce the quantity of drugs they give you," she lectured me.

"Why would I do that?" I responded.

Puritan Rule No 106: being high isn't a good thing, even if it is to mask the side effects of chemo. You should always feel some of that pain!

What a hoot! Needless to say, I am not recommending any change in the protocol. I am sitting at an 8, with occasional dips into the 7 category. Why should I screw around with this?

Chemo: Day 2

Day 2 is now coming to a close and I am doing well. Doing well is taking a lot of energy, but it is worth it. Yes, I do feel like I have had chemo, but I am not debilitated. On a scale of 0 [kill me know, death would be better than this] to 10 [chemo? is that what that was?], I put myself at an 8. Seriously, that is great!

So here is how today went.

Woke up around 8:30 am after falling asleep around midnight. Leslie says that I slept peacefully. Drinking so much water does mean that I had to get up twice to use the bathroom, but I had no difficulty falling back to sleep. Generally after waking in the morning, I head across the hall to my office to review what email is waiting for me. Respond as needed. This morning, I also added my drug regimen: take the second Emend and two decadron. Cracked the first bottle of water.

Went downstairs and Leslie was already working on the first meal of the day and the all important coffee. [I consider myself truly lucky that I have not developed 'metal mouth' so I still enjoy things like coffee.] Once again, we had homemade oatmeal and I was able to eat about 5 bites and drink about half of the coffee.

Two and a half hours later, I started to feel a little woosy... that is a clear indication it is time for a snack. Leslie washed and peeled some fresh peaches, placed them into the blender with some low fat plain yogurt, and some ice cubes. Smoothies! I had a quarter of a cup, while Leslie enjoyed a normal full-sized glass. So delicious and light.

Time to head back to the hospital for my shot. The neulasta shot has had me concerned, even fearful. I am not a fearful person, but I don't like the unknown all the much unless it is about travel! I had read [yes, too much time on the internet] some horror stories about this particular injection. As promised, Nurse Judy called me in when she was ready for me. I was seated at the open floater chair, and we started chatting. I confessed that I was a little fearful. She immediately suggested that we move to an open infusion chair so that we could pull the curtain.

Nurse Judy asked me a lot of questions. We created the scale mentioned above, we talked about food, when to take some of the optional drugs, and where to place to shot. Most folks get this shot in their inner thigh or stomach. Nurse Judy prefers the upper arm. Sold!

The benefits to having the same nurse are numerous. She knew what side of my body to work on, she knew to push slowly, and that I hate needles but won't faint. She asks wonderful questions, and we are starting to develop a personal relationship. I appreciate all of this. This shot took almost no time, and again, it was painless! So far, I have had no bone pain, though I have some aches in my joints. Obviously, I will be monitoring this.

Leslie and I headed across the street for my 2 hour graze. We selected Rebecca's Cafe. I had hoped that they would have a salad plate, a small plate with several small portions of their different salads. Nope, so I choose a lemon poppyseed bread and a coffee. I was able to eat about 4 bites, and I wrapped the rest to keep in my snack bin at home.

Back to the hospital to meet my new GYN, Dr. David. Dr. David is about 64 years old, and I liked him. He is open, asks great questions, listens well. For once, I felt totally comfortable talking about the things that GYN's like to talk about. I especially praised Dr. MaryJane during our discussion of my breast cancer dx. After chatting [being interrogated] for 30 minutes, he left the room and I changed into a gown. Yup... time for the exam. Without going into too much detail, I find these exams very painful. Yes, I know they shouldn't be, but there it is. At one point Dr. David said "could you pretend to be relaxed for just a moment?" Good guy.

He told me to get dressed, and we went back to talking. He explained that based on my symptoms, the 'book' indicated a uterine biopsy, and that for most women this was a fairly easy procedure, but based on my physical attributes, he suspects that this will hurt like hell [just like that last time I had one.] He looked me in the eye and said "You have been through a lot in the past three months. Let's start with an ultrasound. If that indicates the need for a biopsy, then we will have to do it."

Again, I found myself thanking him for looking at the big picture. As we sat there, Dr. David got quiet, an intense quiet. Then he looked at me and continued, "I am not always sure where the line is, but, my father died of breast cancer. I have had an annual mammogram since the age of 20, and then one year, we found something." He looked down and continued, "And, I called Dr. Maryjane. That is what I think of your doctor. I went to the best." It is an insitu dx, but he elected to have both breasts removed.

I responded, "I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. It is so hard that there is so little research for men." I am sure that my response was inadequate. So another great doctor on my team! One more and we can play baseball in addition to basketball!

Walking back to the car, I started to feel some pain in my joints. Aha! Time to go for a walk. We headed to the Shaws Spa and Supermarket. I was only able to do two rounds, plus shopping. Picked up some Wheatina as an alternative to oatmeal, wheat germ to add some fiber to breakfast, more low fat yogurt, disinfectant wipes for cleaning the kitchen, and some chicken thighs for dinner. Once home, I collapsed for a two hour nap.

Oh! Two hour mark. Time for a small piece of the lemon poppyseed cake. For dinner, served, at 8pm [two hour mark] Leslie had made fried chicken thighs [in peanut oil], basmati rice, lima beans and sliced tomato from the garden. I ate a whole chicken thigh, a little rice and half a slice of tomato. So perfect!

What we learned today:
1. I need to eat small portions every two hours to avoid feeling nauseous.
2. to avoid eating only carbs, I need to have small portions of protein already in the fridge for those in-between meals. I have another chicken thigh and three hard-boiled eggs in there now.
3. This is going to take a lot of effort to maintain.
4. My husband is amazing.
5. I am still feeling stupid and disorganized mentally. I have started a grid for notating medications, fluid intake, and food eaten [Nurse Judy asked me to do this.]
6. Exercise is good, and makes me feel better.
7. I have wonderful friends who have called and emailed. My support system is strong.
8. My husband is amazing.
9. the Neulasta shot isn't bad

[p.s. 1 1/2 hours to write this entry. Getting better, I guess.]

First Chemo

Well, I have lost my Chemo-Virginity as my friend Kristina called it. Though this jumps ahead of the story, creating coherent thoughts is really hard right now. I am having trouble organizing letters into words, and words into thoughts. My brain seems totally disconnected from my body. I feel dizzy and can't interpret the signals my body is sending to my brain. So, please keep this in mind as you read this evening's posting.

Since I haven't really processed the day in my now non-functioning brain, I expect this entry to be a log of activities, not emotional responses. But, since I can't think 3 minutes ahead, let's see!

Leslie and I got out of bed very early. First Leslie showered and then I followed. By the time I emerged, Leslie had homemade oatmeal and coffee waiting for me. I was able to eat about 5 bites. Not bad all things considered. We headed to the hospital at 8:30, arriving around 9:15. After check in, I was called to give blood [this will happen each visit.] Blood will always be drawn via finger prick to avoid using the veins in my left arm. Next stop is vitals. My blood pressure was out the roof! I had managed to gain 3 pounds in the past 24 hours, probably due to all the water I have been consuming.

Back to the waiting room to wait for Nurse Jenn. Today the waiting room was hopping. Lots of 9:30 appointments, I guess. There is very little interaction between patients, who mostly have family/friends with them. Once Jenn called me back, we went straight to her office. I had to strip and do a johnny, always my favorite. A fairly comprehensive inspection followed, finishing with my strange two-year old rash. Shingles! Can you believe this? Shingles? No wonder it hurt/itched so darn much.

Jenn asked if I had started the medications yet. No I hadn't. "Don't," she said. "I need to get Dr. Roger. Get his assessment. We may want to delay you." Dr. Roger quickly came in and checked it all out. He concurred that this was probably shingles, but was healed enough. They checked my height and we were off.

The infusion room actually has 21 chairs and 6 private rooms with beds. Chair 17 was occupied, so we were placed in Chair 12. More forms to fill out, volunteers handing out lunch order forms, a fair amount of activity. The nurse assistant hovered for a few minutes, before Nurse Judy arrived. This is one thing about this hospital that I like alot: I will have Nurse Judy for all of my infusions and neulasta shots.

Nurse Judy asked what side she could use. Of course everything was set up on the right side, while I need her to use the left. She cheerily said "That is why everying is on wheels!" She moved the apparatus and raised the desk on the left side. First up, laying down a sterile quilted paper pad, add Susan's Arm, tourniquet, hot packs above and below my hand, then wrap the arm letting the heat expand the veins. They prefer that hand as an entry point, and will then work their way up the arm as needed.

Nurse Judy got my vein with basically no pain. She is good at this! They started with a saline drip, then they started adding the other stuff like decadron, avitan and other things which Leslie has written down in his notes. Nurse Judy returned with Nurse Padd for the final review. Due to the toxicity of these drugs, they both proofed that I am me, that I understand the procedure, and that the drugs were a logical amount for my weight and size. There are numerous checks and balances for administering these drugs.

The first drug, adriamycin, is bright red and is pushed. Nurse Judy needs to sit there and push the drug into a split in the IV line. I mentioned that there was a lot of pressure in my arm. She immediately slowed down the push to make me more comfortable. When that was done, she put the cytoxin onto the IV tower and the next drug started. Again, we needed to slow the drip just a bit.

As the bag emptied, lunch arrived but we put them in the kitchen for another patient. It was time to go. On our way out, we stopped by the Oncology Store to see if they could help with hair in 30-minutes. Yes, indeed they could! So we headed outside so I could have a cigarette [yea yea yea... this was stressful!.]

At this point I suddenly realized that I was high, stoned, totally happy. How odd!

Leslie accompanied me back to the shop on the 9th floor, and left to find a real sandwich. The shop was totally relaxed, and we have fun trying on wigs. Started long, and slowly got shorter. Found a color we liked, and then a style that seemed good. The price was totally cool, much lower than my maximum. It is cut about the shoulder, with bangs. Rather bob-like. Leslie says that it is like someone's hair in the movie Alien. It should come in a week from Friday. In plenty of time.

And we headed home, stopping at the Whole Foods. I have been told to gaze, that my stomach should never be empty. So I strolled the aisles buying anything that looked appealing while keeping in mind easy preparation. I need to have some easy to fix food in the house that isn't just carbs.

Once home, a few important phone calls, and then I crawled into bed. for a much-needed two-hour nap. Since waking up, I have felt a low level of nausea, the starts of a cytonxin headache, and generally uncomfortable. I don't know how to translate the signals my body is sending to my body. It is all very new to me.

That having been said, it isn't horrible. Well, it has taken me almost 2 hours to write this blog, so it is slow. Just a new world here. Here is what my office shelf looks like now. And I have a schedule for dispensing!

As I said, a new world. But I have hair!

I think all I have has been given. Again, emails and phone calls are welcome. If I am not up to responding, I will rely on your patience. Thanks for all outpouring of support today.

p.s. Simply can't proof tonight. Sorry.

Night Before

It is 1:15 am and I really should be sleeping. I have my bag packed for the chemo infusion room. I have my wallet with that all-important insurance card. I have packed a book. I have two cards from my two b/c sisters in Seattle. I have a pink ribbon attached to my bag. I have my iPod loaded with music chosen by Lauren. And, I have a silk scarf that was owned by my Aunt Kit, who introduced me to great music and died of breast cancer in 1981. In the morning, I will add my phone and all the drugs.

I have drunk 2 litres of water to hydrate my veins, eaten some salt to puff myself up and some drugs to keep me free and clear.

In the morning, I plan to eat a little oatmeal [though I don't usually eat breakfast] along with my usual coffee, shower, and then head to the hospital for my 9:30 am meeting with Nurse Jenn.

I am ready. Scared and anxious, but ready to fight this thing that threatens my happiness. Now I need to get some sleep.

She Likes It!

Lauren has emailed, and she likes it! Lauren and Ruya are bonding over furniture placement, small group meetings and email connections. Orientation is going well, and includes a ton of meetings that sometimes feel like overkill. The food is good, but is served too often.

SHE LIKES IT!!!!!

Class of 2009

She is there! Part of the class of 2009.

Yesterday we packed up the car early, and headed west. We were not the only car packed to the gills on the Massachusetts Turnpike. We were however, one of the few non-SUV's out there on the road. Lauren's school is under 2 hours away, so we were early arrivals, around 9:30 am.

It was a perfect New England late summer day- not too hot, not too cold. A team of young women helped us unpack the car, placing all of Lauren's belongings in a pile by the front desk of her dorm building. Lauren picked up a key, and we were off to her room, carrying bundles in our arms. Lauren's roommate was already in the room, having claimed the bed by the window, and introductions were made all around. Ru'ya is from Seward, Alaska and had traveled with her father for the big move East. A few more trips up and down the stairs, and the room was completely filled by stuff. This must be the smallest double on campus.

Clearly Lauren and Ru'ya are going to need to be very clever using all 164 sq feet to full advantage. Since they have been emailing back and forth daily over the past two months, they already have a really nice and supportive relationship, so I have no doubt that they will negotiate and move around furniture until it works for them.

After moving in, we headed towards the various check-in points including picking up a mailbox key, getting a student id and depositing money into the One Card account, and considering phone service. Ru'ya and Lauren have decided not to have a TV in their room, so we skipped the cable line. A really delicious buffet lunch was served at 11:30, and we ate sitting on the grass in the amphitheatre. Lauren chatted with the novice crew coach before we headed back up to Lauren's room.

A quick set of hugs, and Leslie and I were off, leaving Lauren to her new world of adventure.

During the day, I took a few pictures which are posted at: http://homepage.mac.com/smtucker/PhotoAlbum42.html

Perfect Dinner

Sometimes going out to dinner can be a wonderful thing. Tonight was just that type of evening. We didn't leave until 8:15 due to some packing delays, and found a parking spot on the street in Kendall Square. An added benefit of arriving on the late side was the wait time for a table had dwindled to less than 15 minutes.

We were seated at a booth in the upper level, overlooking the lower tables, with warm lighting. Lauren ordered her 'usual' of cajun wood-grilled salmon, and I ordered my 'usual' of three appetizers: fish chowder, Rhode Island calamari, and a green salad. Leslie ordered a clam chowder and the Shrimp Trio.

It was all cooked perfectly, and arrived in the correct order. We chatted about this and that, first days of school, being 16, why boys of 18 shouldn't grow beards, cars, boyfriends, you name it. No meltdowns, no hurt feelings, just a family getting ready to send its only child off to school. Truly lovely.

Home again, and Leslie packed the car in under 15 minutes. He states that in the morning it will only take him 10 minutes to tie the under-the-bed tubs to the roof rack, and we are off. We have a 7:30 am departure planned. Might early by our standards, but we want to beat the chaos on campus. Wish us well!

Almost Sunday

Today is the last day Lauren lives with us full-time for a while. Is she busy finishing her packing, starting her laundry, making sure that everything is just right, that she leaves her third floor rooms neat and clean? Nope. She has showered, and is doing her hair so she will look lovely for a lunch with friends. Oh well, who can blame her? But, the stress that I predict will happen as we actually try to put her things in the car is something I wish to avoid. So, her Dad is packing the car! I will sit in my office and prepare her computer for it's year of papers and music downloading.

We are headed to Legal Seafoods for dinner at Lauren's request. Lauren was told she could have whatever she wants for her "last supper", as she put it, and she chose fish. This child never ceases to amaze me.

My last few days have been about work, work, and more work. As I try to crank out the files, I began to realize that as I check each client off my to-do list, I am closer to my own C-day. I do unfortunately have one unhappy client, and figuring out how to fix this has been on my mind constantly.

Scenario: non-profit in Boston. I admire their mission, and bid low on their project, which then mushroomed. This means that I get paid for about 1 of every 3.5 hours that I work for them, with a very fixed amount of dollars to work with. Yup, bad business on my part. So when all this began, their files didn't get the priority since I wasn't actually getting paid. Now they want me to hand the files to a subcontractor because they want the files NOW. Okay, this is completely my fault. Bad planning, bad business, and bad developing, but how do I fix this now is the real question. If money were no object, I would just send back the money they have paid me and tell them to get a new developer with my apologies. I can't hire a subcontractor on what they have paid me after all. Or, I could crack the files, and hurridly get them finished dropping some of the arcane features that they added. However, then they will be angry and disappointed. Let's face it, the reason they don't have files is because I haven't enjoyed working on this project. The thing to do is to figure out how to send them their money back with the notes taken during all those endless meetings. Maybe.

Other projects are going well though. I have flown through a small project for Harvard and will deliver those files on Monday. Yes, you read that correctly. I am going into a client office on Labor Day! Two MIT projects will be completed within the next two weeks. When I install will really depend on when I have my 'energy' days post-chemo. Of course, I won't know what days those are until they happen, but I anticipate that post-chemo days 8-13 should be pretty good.

Tuesday I visit my primary care doctor, Dr. Susan, for my annual physical. Now that sounds like I actually get an annual physical, but in actual fact, this is my first annual physical in many years. Dr. Susan is going to spend this appointment dealing with some symptoms I am currently having that may or may not affect my breast cancer protocol. Like having breast cancer isn't enough! On my way to her office, I am considering stopping at MGH's special store for cancer patients to look at more hair.

As I write this entry, I am beginning to understand how much I am worrying about. I am worrying about hair, house cleaning, money, what does one wear to chemo, laundry, stocking the pantry, and irate clients. Darn, I am doing pretty well emotionally considering how much stuff I have rattling around my brain! Go me!