Lost My Friend

I have lost my breast cancer buddy. For the past 6 years, one person has been there. And I have been there for her. Her marriage falling apart, a ridiculous number of surgeries, the mets scares, the need to get a job that paid real money [this is where I screwed up] and endless need to be a pollyanna.

I miss having somewhere to vent. Right now, I need to vent. Maybe vent is not the right word. Doesn't vent indicate some anger? I am so past anger; that emotion doesn't exist anymore. Perhaps what I need is someplace or someone to tell that I am scared. Yes, once again, I am scared. Between my hands failing me and the pain in my ribs, Friday will be a really full day. At 8am, I will start the PET scan routine. They start, well not they, her. [I adore this her whose name I can't remember. She is very kind and gentle.] So she start by taking some blood and checking my blood sugar levels. If I meet the level, which I will, she takes some blood and then sends it back into my IV with a contrast. And then I sit in a chair for an hour. This is a laz-e-boy type chair. I can sleep or read a book or just meditate. When the hour is done they take me to the scanning room. The tech there is Andrew. He too is kind. I lie on the bench and the sun shines into the room. The machine whirs around me, but this machine isn't bad. No tubes, no clancking. This scan is pretty easy.

I usually slip a treat into my bag since the diet for the 24 hours before the scan is so restrictive. As I eat the snack, I need to head to the hand surgeon. Yea. This damn disease has taken away my hands. I can't play the violin. And so I am going to let this doctor give me shots, into my hand. If these shots reduce the carpal, then I will schedule surgery for the Spring. Can you imagine? The idea that someone will CUT MY HANDS is absurd. But, I am actually considering this. It isn't just the violin... it is picking up pots, carrying bags, and many other everyday things.

_sigh_ I miss my friend.