Working Again
Today I went to work. I showered, dressed [with headgear], and drove across town to a client office where I proceeded to work for five hours. When I left the house I had visions of trying to run a few errands after the client visit, but instead I steered the car home completely exhausted.
Being so tired after a half-day of work is a new thing for me. It is taking some getting used to, but I understand that with each chemo treatment the fatigue will be worse. And then during the six weeks of radiation, the fatigue will get really serious. I am trying hard to give myself permission to reduce my expectations of myself, but on the 'good' days I keep hoping to make up for all the bad ones.
On many levels, I am doing well with this new reality. I no longer berate myself for work not done, and instead choose the things that feel important that day. Sometimes it is organizing boxes, sometimes it is being in contact with close friends, and sometimes it is about just getting my snacks on a plate. However my Puritan upbringing can not be discounted easily, and the protestant work-ethic rears its head whenever I am feeling well.
Moving to a totally new topic, today was the first day I covered my head when I went out. At the client office, employees who never saw the pixie cut didn't seem to notice that I was wearing a do-rag and no curly bush of hair. No second glances or odd looks! And then when I stopped by another client office to drop off a cd, I had to take the thing off since it was so darn hot. The president of the company looked at me and said "damn, you look good." He might have meant it too, who knows? These are not the reactions I have been prepared for and leaves me pondering what reactions I need to have prepared.
Being so tired after a half-day of work is a new thing for me. It is taking some getting used to, but I understand that with each chemo treatment the fatigue will be worse. And then during the six weeks of radiation, the fatigue will get really serious. I am trying hard to give myself permission to reduce my expectations of myself, but on the 'good' days I keep hoping to make up for all the bad ones.
On many levels, I am doing well with this new reality. I no longer berate myself for work not done, and instead choose the things that feel important that day. Sometimes it is organizing boxes, sometimes it is being in contact with close friends, and sometimes it is about just getting my snacks on a plate. However my Puritan upbringing can not be discounted easily, and the protestant work-ethic rears its head whenever I am feeling well.
Moving to a totally new topic, today was the first day I covered my head when I went out. At the client office, employees who never saw the pixie cut didn't seem to notice that I was wearing a do-rag and no curly bush of hair. No second glances or odd looks! And then when I stopped by another client office to drop off a cd, I had to take the thing off since it was so darn hot. The president of the company looked at me and said "damn, you look good." He might have meant it too, who knows? These are not the reactions I have been prepared for and leaves me pondering what reactions I need to have prepared.
posted by *susan* at
9:18 PM
2 Comments:
I am so happy for you that you are able to maintain some sense of normalcy by going to work. I think that helps so much. Don't be hard on yourself when you can't do everything you are used to doing. Although I didn't have to go through chemo or radiation it was rough going back to work after surgery. I expected that I would be able to jump back into an 8 hour day! HAHAHA! It's been 8 months and I still get tired.
Take good care of yourself *HUGS*
RB
By
Lisa, at 10:53 PM
The protestant work ethic has no sense of proportion, fitness or judgment. The hell with it, I say!
Love & laziness,
gr
By
Anonymous, at 8:39 PM
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