Yea, yea, I know....

that I haven't updated in a while. As I told my friend Nancy, I hate whining, and that is what I have had to offer lately.

My stomach is on strike. Out of the past eight nights, I have spent four of them hunched over in extreme pain for hours at a time. Some nights this has involved lots of vomit, where I finally get to bed at 4 am, exhausted and spent. On my breast cancer board, some have suggested an ulcer, lactose intolerance [though I am not eating any dairy besides yogurt], and just plain old "chemo has ruined your insides." The worst night was the night before Thanksgiving. I know that I should have gone to the hospital that night. I had several of the "trigger" events, but can you imagine going to an emergency room that night? The "F" team would have been on duty. It seemed safer to stay home.

The problem is, which of my many doctors should I be talking with?

And for my next whine, radiation. I have had nine sessions and already have burning. My skin is actually flaking off. Clothing rubs the affected areas making it worse. Also on my board, some have suggested not wearing tops to let the skin heal. Clearly these people don't live in houses that are kept at 63 degrees! So I continue to try different underlayers concentrating on any shirt that is loose.

So my life is miserable right? Well, actually no. When I am not in pain, things are really good. I still get tired more easily than pre-cancer, but the amount of energy that I have to expend continues to grow. I am working on client files without difficulty, and have an installation on Tuesday.

Lauren came home Tuesday night for her Thanksgiving break. On Thursday, we hosted a dinner for 14 people that was a ton of fun. Our guests are both friends and family, and the mix is really wonderful. We made a full traditional Puritan dinner, with a few southern additions. Once again, we did a brined, smoked turkey over cherry wood. Absolutely delicious! Side dishes included butternut squash, both roasted and pureed, baked beans, creamed onions, mashed potatoes, cranberry-orange compote, sausage-apple dressing, and steamed green beans. For dessert, Lauren made pumpkin, pecan and apple pies. No one went home hungry, let me tell you.

And there you have it. Not a fun blog entry to write, or to live. Breast Cancer and its treatments just plain suck.

And it continues.....

Today was Day 7 of my radiation, and I am starting to feel it. I have one sore spot that actually caused me to wake during the night. The odd thing about this is, nothing looks pink or red. So what does that mean? More lotion perhaps, and less turning during the night.

This week, radiation is Sunday through Wednesday so only one day off over the weekend. Yesterday, I brought the other patients and staff a homemade cranberry/walnut bread. Yup, I am sucking up! But these people are so darn nice. It is the small things like covering the breast that isn't being radiated, having my cd in the stereo when I arrive, and pretending to be interested in who I am. If I am treated like a real human being, I am willing to bake bread.

We are heading into Thanksgiving preparation time. My house cleaners haven't been in a while [my fault] so we need to clean at least the first floor. I need to prepare the kitchen for the cooking frenzy, clearing all the counter tops of unneeded items. Items often move up from the basement storage and don't return when we are done with them. So, they all need to be carried back down. I need to create a shopping list for each of the stores that provide food for this dinner, and then I need to actually buy those items. Since I don't have a car until Tuesday night, I need to be particularly organized. Tomorrow's Shaw's Supermarket and Spa trip will be done in my zipcar, and I don't want to pay for more time than required.

Since I am still regaining my energy, the sheer amount of work it will take to feed 14 people seems daunting. I will put my database files to the side for the next several days. [But, not after billing three large clients!! Yes, we will pay December's mortgage!]

But, what I also know is that once we are sitting at the table, enjoying each other's company and the food, it will all be worth the effort.

Smoked Trout Mousse

Another great party primo treat, posted for a friend.

12 ounces smoked trout fillet
6 tablespoons sweet butter, softened
1 granny smith apple, peeled, cored, and roughly sliced
1/2 small red onion, peeled and roughly sliced
the zest of 1 lemon
2 tablespoons freshly sqeezed lemon juice
2 tablespoons brandy or Cognac
freshly cracked pepper to taste

In a food processor fitted with a steel blade, process the trout with the butter until the two are blended but the trout is not pureed. Add the remaining ingredients and process until smooth. Taste the mousse, adding a few drops more of lemon juice and/or cracked pepper if it pleases.

Turn the mousse into a small crock or serving bowl, cover it with plastic wrap, and let it mellow in a cool place for several hours before serving with thinly sliced, just-grilled bread.

Day 3 Down

Okay, radiation is going to be way too boring [at least for a while] to serve as the basis for postings. The longer that this is boring, the happier I will be of course. My crew of techies [therapists] is young and energetic. We are have started creating a personal relationship. Nicole likes my ear rings, Jason was a DJ in college.... I am learning more and more about them each day.

Tomorrow, I have an alpha demonstration for a new client. This is the only new client I have chosen to accept since my diagnosis, and when I met them face-to-face [after winning the project] I wore Cory. I don't want to wear Cory tomorrow, and I think she may stay home. Or, it might just be easier to wear her and call it a day.

Then tomorrow night, after a refreshing nap, I am driving to Lauren's college to pick her up. I have bought a few items for her which I will hope take care of her computer issues. At the very least, it will make it possible to diagnose what the problem is. Being the family tech support is a full time job!

One Down

My first radiation is behind me.

Last night I hardly slept due to an incessant cough, and perhaps a little anxiety. I finally gave up on sleeping at 6:30. At 9:20, I headed out, stopping at the shopping plaza and walked around the adjacent park three times. I need to get back up to two miles a day, since all of the research shows that walking just this small amount each day reduces the fatigue effect of radiation.

Upon arrival at the radiation oncology unit, I let the staff know that I had a cold when I checked in. Instead of wearing a mask, Nurse Nancy had me wait in an examination away from the other patients.

My 'team of techs' came to get me early, and we were off to the races. I got up on the bench/table, they pulled the sheet underneath me to reposition my anatomical middle, lined up my tattoos, and the first radiation began. The machine is LOUD, and the noise was situated directly by my left ear. [My left ear has been damaged from orchestra playing, so it actually ached a little.] My team returned to line up the other tattoo side, the machine whirred into position, and screamed again as the radiation dose was administered. No sharpies were used in the administration of my radiation! The total time for both the positioning and radiation administration was less than 10 minutes.

My team tells me that I may wear ear plugs and that I can bring my own 'mix' tape. The 70's light rock just isn't going to cut it for the next 32 sessions.

Five Months

Today, November 13th marks exactly five months since I was officially diagnosed. Seems like an odd anniversary to notice, but something triggered me to count fingers. This has been the longest five months of my life; and it has also been the fastest five months of my life.

There were hours in the past five months that took a full year to experience! And there are weeks that I don't recall at all. Six more weeks, and active treatment will be over. That is something to celebrate on New Year's Eve.

Working Again!

The past two days have been productive and I have the timesheets to prove it. Several things are working together here. One, my optimism came with me on the plane from Seattle; two, I can finally sleep for more than seven hours; and three, I have some large deadlines looming. Never underestimate the power of sheer fear.

Unfortunately, the plane home contained a large number of really rude people. Why don't people know that when you cough or sneeze, you need to cover your mouth? I even had to ask someone in line next to me to stop coughing directly on me, and they had the audacity to roll their eyes! Why does any of this matter? Sniffles and sneezes. I have sniffles and sneezes. This doesn't make me happy, but now that I can sleep again, maybe I can cut this cold off at the pass. [Admittedly, I should have had some Purell in my bag, and I won't travel without it again.]

So things are looking up!

More Miscellaneous News:

Lauren is coming home again this weekend, and then again for Thanksgiving. Our house will have 14 guests for dinner on Turkey Day, and I am going to work hard not to overdo. Last year there were far too many leftovers, and I am striving to have a more reasonable amount this year. Two days of leftovers is okay; three weeks worth of leftovers is too much.

My friend L. has sold her house, contingent upon a home inspection. Twenty days on the market; not too bad in the current client. Now she has to figure out where she is going!

Kristina has sent me a Fisherman's Stew recipe, and I think that will be tomorrow night's dinner. She made this during my stay in Seattle, and it was wonderful. The main ingredient is cod, and that sounds like a New England Fisherman's Stew to me.

I am lucky to have friends that are still calling me five months after diagnosis to see how I am doing, who worry about me if they don't hear from me regularly, and are still ready to jump into the fray to help me anyway that they can.

As I said, things are good.

Seattle

I have been online for a long time. As an AOL-host, I hosted thousands of chats making some very nice online friends. But in all this time, I have only chosen to meet one online person in real life, and he was local. Otherwise, it has never occurred to me to fly across the country meeting random folks that I have met online, so I know that my trip to Seattle is simply out of character [or totally nuts, depending on who is doing the evaluating.]

And, I am so glad I made the trip! The trip restored my spirit in so many ways. It is hard to describe how important these two women have been to me over the past three months. One of the greatest strengths of this friendship that we have developed is how differently we approach both our diagnosis' and treatment. These differences have given each of us viewpoints that we might not have found on our own. It is like holding a prism to the sunlight; brilliance can come from every direction.

I arrived late Saturday night and Kristina was waiting for me even though Saturday is her 'bad' day. She and her husband welcomed me into their home warmly. Their lovely home has a mother-in-law suite in the basement which gave me, and them, some privacy. Awoke Sunday morning to the pitter patter of young feet, and it was time to meet Tessa! Tessa is a smart and energetic young girl of 2 and 3/4's, and she quickly presented me with "Make Way for Ducklings" for a reading session. She knew that this book had been a gift from me, and lost no time making sure that this knowledge was put to good use.

Susan and Tessa enjoy Make Way for Ducklings together.

Gretchen arrived for our scheduled breakfast and we all enjoyed Eggs Benedict, fresh fruit and cranberry nut bread. All five of us walked to the Farmer's Market, did a car tour of West Seattle before making dinner. Though the weather was supposed to be miserable, the sun was shining and we could see the snow covered mountains over the sound. It was totally beautiful.

Susan, Gretchen and Kristina enjoy each other's company.

Sunday night two of Kristina's close friends joined us for dessert and wine. Susan and Michelle have posted on this blog, and I already felt as though I knew them. It was fun to have a girl's night. I admit this isn't something I do often in my life, but it was so enjoyable. Not only did I enjoy the conversation, it was wonderful getting to know the people who are so important to Kristina.

Monday I spent with my friend Leonid. Leonid and I were stand partners years ago in the Virginia Beach Pops. He has since moved to Seattle as a member of the Symphony there. I accompanied him to a rehearsal in the small recital hall within the new Symphony Hall, and then we headed to lunch. Lunch was fabulous. This month there are 25 restaurants in Seattle which offer a fixed price, 3 course lunch for $12.50. I started with a delicious chanterelle mushroom soup, then a rockfish with mashed turnips, and finished with a tiny little amaretto cake.

Tuesday we met Gretchen at Pike Market for lunch. Kristina chose a French cafe that was the perfect spot. I ordered the house special, a fabulous cassoulet that was really large enough for about three people, but we didn't leave any in the pot! Gretchen chose a quiche while Kristina ordered a lamb sausage sandwich with a fresh green salad. I was able to convince my friends to help with the cassoulet, but I ate way too much. However, it was worth every biteful.

Gretchen had to head back to work, so Kristina and I headed to Lincoln Park and did a 2 mile walk along the sound. As we walked the sun set over the sound. We don't see that much in Boston. Later that evening Leonid's wife picked me up for a late supper at their house. The last time I saw Tanya she spoke about 12 words of English. Now she is fully fluent and it turns out that she has a lovely sense of humor, is intelligent, and loves her life in Seattle.

And then on Wednesday is was time to come home. It was a wonderful visit, and I am so glad that I made it.

[Please note: photos are stolen from Kristina's blog. Mine didn't come out. Darn I need a new flash!]

Home Again

I am home, safe and sound from a wonderful trip to Seattle. The weather was really nice in spite of the dire predictions from weather.com, and I had a lovely time with my new and old friends. More updates to come, but right now, my eyes are crossing from sheer exhaustion.

Friday Musings

Posting recipes is easy. Figuring out how I feel, and writing about it seems to be harder. The party on Sunday night was fabulous! You know, I have a great group of friends. It was wonderful to have them all in one place, enjoying each other's company.

Leslie and I went through the leftovers, freezing smaller portions for those nights that no one wants to cook. We are still eating the few items that don't freeze well, like the tapenade, but since we both love tapenade, no problems! I also sent my Dad home with a pan of the walnut/cheese lasagna. That should keep my parents fed for at least a week too.

But then Sunday through Tuesday my stomach was not happy. I have gone from someone who never gets sick and owns no over the counter medications to someone with a box full of remedies. Slowly I worked my way through them, accompanied by ginger ale, and I have settled down. I am still being careful to eat food that is easy to digest, just in case.

By Thursday I was able to start working again. However, I have lost my enthusiasm. Maybe it was meeting with the doctors that will control my next 7 weeks, or that my emotional reservoir is empty. It doesn't really matter. I have to get back to work; we don't have enough money to make our December mortgage. How I feel is irrelevant. I must get back to work.

The best news is that tomorrow I will be on an airplane on my way to Seattle!!!!! I will be staying in West Seattle with my friend Kristina. Gretchen will arrive with her overnight bag on Sunday morning, and breakfast has been promised! We plan to go to the Farmer's Market, finding flowers and good food. Together we will make dinner before Susan [the other one] and Michele come over for desert and wine. During my stay, I will also visit with my friend Leonid. Leonid and I were stand partners for at least three years and he is currently a member of the Seattle Symphony.

This trip is my carrot right now. I will take my computer and attempt to work at least a few hours each day. [Of course, I always need to be available virtually, in case a client has a melt-down.] I can't wait to be sitting in Kristina's house with my two new friends, chatting and laughing, enjoying time with these two special women.

Pasticcio Bianco al Rezdora

Baked Pasta in the Manner of the Lady of the House

1 lb freshly rolled pasta, cut into 3x5 inch rectangles
1 tablesppon butter
1 1/3 cup heavy cream
2 cups mascarpone
2 cups ricotta
2 1/2 cups just-grated Parmigiano
1 tablespoon sea salt
freshly cracked white pepper
generous scrapings of fresh nutmeg [not pre-grated from jar]
3 whole eggs, beaten
2 tablespoons aceto balsamico
3 cups walnuts, oven-roasted until golden, finely chopped
1/2 cup bread crumbs made from stale, dense white bread

Cook the pasta rectangles in boiling, salted water, 3 to 4 at a time, for 1 minute. [Saute pan is great for this.] As the pasta is cooked, remove it from the water with a slotted sppon or strainer to a clean kitchen towel, keeping the pasta in a single layer.

Butter a 10x10-inch or 10x13-inch baking dish with the sweet butter. Moisten the bottom of the dish with 1/3 cup of the heavy cream. In a large bowl, combine the mascarpone, the ricotta, the remaining cup of heavy cream, 2 cups of the parmigiano, and the salt, white pepper, nutmeg, eggs, and vinegar, distributing the elements well.

Cover the bottom of the dish with a layer of pasta rectangles, fitting them in neatly and without a great deal of overlap. Spread a thin layer of the cheese mixture over the pasta, then sprinkle with a half cup or so of the roasted walnuts. Repeat the process, using up all the elements and ending with a layer of the cheese mixture. The pasticcio will hold well, finished to this point, covered in plastic wrap in a cool place for an hour or two, or in the refrigerator for several more.

When you are ready to bake the pasticcio, preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Mix the remaining 1/2 cup of Parmigiano with the bread cumbs, and dust the mixture over the pasticcio. Bake for 25 to 30 minutes until golden and puffed.

Focaccia di Pecorino

Focaccia di Pecorina
makes two 9-inch flatbreads or one 12x17 rectangular flatbread

Infused Oil
1/4 cup olive oil
herbs, garlic, dried chiles, and or fennel seeds [choose what you like, such as fresh rosemary]

In a small saucepan, warm olive oil, add the flavorings and bring the oil near a simmer. Remove from the flame and allow the infused oil to steep in the oil for an hour.

Bread
2 packages active dry yeast, or 1 2/3 cakes fresh yeast
2 teaspoons sugar
1 3/4 cup warm water
1/4 cup olive oil
1 1/2 cups just-grated, well-aged pecorino
1 teaspoon freshly cracked black pepper
2 teaspoons sea salt
4 cups all-purpose flour

In a large bowl, stir the yeast and sugar into the warm water and allow it to soften for 5 minutes. Add the remaining elements, mixing them well into a soft dough. Turn the dough out onto a lightly floured surface and knead for 6-8 minutes until the dough is smooth and springy.

Or, use a stand mixer. Mix the ingredients with the flat paddle, and then use the dough hook to knead for about 5-7 minutes until the the dough is smooth and springy.

Place the dough in an oiled bowl and cover tightly with plastic wrap. Allow the mass to double- about an hour.

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees. Release the air in the risen dough with a firm punch and fit it into two oiled 9-inch round times or one large rectangular tin, flattening it and dimpling it with your fists. Brush the focaccia with some of the infused oil, cover it with a clean kitchen towel, and permit it to rest and rise for 35-40 minutes. Bake for 10 minutes, then reduce the heat to 375 degrees and bake for another 10-12 minutes [mine took closer to 18 minutes.] Turn the focaccia out onto a rack to cool; turn it right-side up and brush the just-baked focaccia with additional infused oil.

Variations:
add chopped olives, or minced prosciutto, or other Italian meat to the dough before kneading.

Olive Tapenade

6 anchovy fillets, soaked in milk overnight, drained, and patted dry
2 tablespooons Anchovy Paste
1 cup pitted olives [black or green; better not to mix though]
1/4 cup capers, roughly chopped
3 tablespoons Dijon mustard
3 tablespoons red wine vinegar
1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil
1/2 small red onion, roughly chopped

Combine all the ingredients in a food processor and blend until a smooth, homogeneous paste if formed, about 2 minutes. Transfer to a jar, cover tightly, and store in the refrigerator up to two weeks. Makes 2 cups.

Serve with a rustic Italian bread or homemade focaccia bread.

Radiation Mapping

Yesterday was my radiation consultation and mapping. My Mother came down from the far North to take notes and be supportive. We were led to an examination room, and Dr. Huang joined us. Dr. Huang is a resident, and to be honest, I now realize that I didn't really like him.

He began by reviewing my medical history. "So you found a lump in early May in your left breast," he said with surety. Oh my! "No," I exclaimed. "In early May, my milk duct began to burn, and so I intensified my self examinations. I found a lump in my RIGHT breast on May 26th."

The rest of the notes were also full of errors. We then moved onto the physical exam, and he just plain hurt me. "You are very rough," I told him. "You should take lessons from Nurse Jenn. She is thorough and very gentle." He didn't care for being chastised, but that is part of being a resident. You are still learning.

My real doctor, Dr. MaryAnn then entered, and she was as wonderful as always. She is vibrant, she listens and answers without being condescending, she is bright, and has wonderful people skills. There is a reason that she is head of the radiation department of the hospital.

After Dr. MaryAnn's examination, which was much more gentle than Dr. Huang's, she has recommended some physical therapy to increase the stretch of my right arm. She called it a "little fibrosis." From this exam room, we moved across the hall to the simulation room.

The simulation room has a CT scanner as its major feature. Otherwise, it is just another white room with an aging acoustic tile ceiling. Don, the technician, set up a board on the CT table for me, and explained that my head should rest in the donut-shaped indentation at the far end. Once on the table, he placed my arms into the four stirrups so that they were above me head. A wedge was placed under my knees, and I was told at least once to stop crossing my ankles.

Don then turned on three laser lights, one above and one on either side. These lasers marked where to set up my 'anatomical' middle which meant jostling my body around a bit. After I was centered, Don started to mark the spots with a red sharpie. Then he began taping; placing them at critical spots. Then we began the scan which only lasted about 5 minutes. I laid on the table for about 45 minutes while the doctors did the mapping.

When the doctors finished their work the new coordinates were entered into the computer and the lasers began to move. Once the lasers had settled down, the sharpies reappeared and I was marked more. The final step was five tattoos, and the mapping was done.

On November 10th I have an appointment for films. Radiation begins on November 14th. I will have 25 sessions with an additional 8 boosts. Will be done by the end of the year!