JOLT!
In the past six weeks, ever since I was told that I had a progression and was now a Stage IV patient, I haven't always known how I feel. The best way that I have been able to define this new reality to myself is suspended animation.
I have not responded emotionally like most of the Stage IV women in my online support group. So far, I haven't experienced anger, or fear, or anxiety. Just a leadened "well of course" and emptiness. The one response I have had that felt 'normal' is a knee-shaking sadness. Sadness that I will probably leave my husband all alone and sadness that I won't see as many chapters of my daughter's life as I would like. But I haven't felt sad for me.
By nature, I want to know everything. I want to have contingent plans, know what forks will be approaching and have the knowledge to make the correct decision. But, for this new reality, I am not doing that. Instead, I have decided that I need to live one progression at a time. I do fear that if I look down the road too far, I might go crazy.
And so I live in this state of suspended animation where is it hard to concentrate. My billable hours are way down while the medical expenses are going way up.
In amongst all of this has been my stupid gallbladder. In fact, the pain from my gallbladder is one of the triggers that led my oncologist to order so many scans. Two weeks ago, I had a very invasive procedure with high risks which was totally worthless. Yesterday, I found the right doctor... a GI surgeon. Dr. Dana spent a ton of time with me. It was actually wonderful [but that is a different story.] During our talk Dr. Dana let me know that my primary, who has been out on a medical leave, will in fact be retiring. As I explained that this meant I would be looking for a new primary since I haven't been happy with my primary's partner at all, Dr. Dana started to write a name down on a post-it note. "This woman is just a wonderful internist. She is intuitive, warm, smart and has worked closely with Hospice for many of her patients."
JOLT! Hospice? OMG. We are talking about end of life, NOW?
And my state of denial, of suspended animation was burst in that one moment. Dr. Dana isn't wrong. If you are going to switch primaries, it does make sense to have a primary who has helped thousands of HIV patients die gracefully, but I guess I just wasn't ready to hear that just yet.
I have not responded emotionally like most of the Stage IV women in my online support group. So far, I haven't experienced anger, or fear, or anxiety. Just a leadened "well of course" and emptiness. The one response I have had that felt 'normal' is a knee-shaking sadness. Sadness that I will probably leave my husband all alone and sadness that I won't see as many chapters of my daughter's life as I would like. But I haven't felt sad for me.
By nature, I want to know everything. I want to have contingent plans, know what forks will be approaching and have the knowledge to make the correct decision. But, for this new reality, I am not doing that. Instead, I have decided that I need to live one progression at a time. I do fear that if I look down the road too far, I might go crazy.
And so I live in this state of suspended animation where is it hard to concentrate. My billable hours are way down while the medical expenses are going way up.
In amongst all of this has been my stupid gallbladder. In fact, the pain from my gallbladder is one of the triggers that led my oncologist to order so many scans. Two weeks ago, I had a very invasive procedure with high risks which was totally worthless. Yesterday, I found the right doctor... a GI surgeon. Dr. Dana spent a ton of time with me. It was actually wonderful [but that is a different story.] During our talk Dr. Dana let me know that my primary, who has been out on a medical leave, will in fact be retiring. As I explained that this meant I would be looking for a new primary since I haven't been happy with my primary's partner at all, Dr. Dana started to write a name down on a post-it note. "This woman is just a wonderful internist. She is intuitive, warm, smart and has worked closely with Hospice for many of her patients."
JOLT! Hospice? OMG. We are talking about end of life, NOW?
And my state of denial, of suspended animation was burst in that one moment. Dr. Dana isn't wrong. If you are going to switch primaries, it does make sense to have a primary who has helped thousands of HIV patients die gracefully, but I guess I just wasn't ready to hear that just yet.
posted by *susan* at
11:49 AM
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