Waves of Sadness

I love twitter. I get these random messages from people I respect that lead me to worlds I didn't even know exist. Today, someone posted a video link with this simple message: Cat tries to revive dead friend http://post.ly/fGPu

Stupidly, I went to look. A live cat is pawing a dead one, trying to get it to wake up. He sits on top of his body, pawing, desperately. And the flood dams have broken.

Now I know why I keep saying "I'm sorry" to Leslie. I am his world. I am the center, sides and middle of his life. And he is going to be that cat. Hugging me as I leave. I am not sure how he will be able to continue alone. Together, we have created a unit; a life that is completely self-contained.

And then I thought about Lauren. My lovely daughter who is still finding her path to full adulthood. My daughter who calls me when she needs a recipe, job advise, or relationship insights. I am not her best friend, but I am her best confidant. She trusts me to always give her an honest and loving opinion.

As I watched this video, the tears just began to stream down my face. Years of sadness were suddenly released. But these tears weren't self-pity. These tears were for the two people I love most in the world being forced to continue without me, long before a normal life span.

What I don't know yet is what I am going to do with these feelings. Clearly, I can't spend the next unknown-number of years crying. That would be boring. Somehow, I have to make all of this time more powerful or meaningful. Not sure what that means. After all, I try to live that way every day already.