Betwixt and Between

My doctor called at 6:30 pm the Friday before Christmas. My PET scan showed no mets. No nothing. I am still cancer-free.

This is clearly good news. But, it is really unsettling emotionally. I feel like I am rebooting here, and still trying to determine where I fit in.

Here is what I know. I had mets. We treated these with a really low-impact treatment; a treatment that I continue every 28 days. I have now been cancer-free for at least 9 months, and probably longer. I started all of this with the assumption that with my low tumor load and low stage I could get two years from my original progression. Two good years, and then things would decline. This PET scan demonstrates that those assumptions are simply wrong.

So, how do I live? How do I decide what comes next in my future? Do I pretend that my monthly visit for a double-cheeked butt shot are just management or do I remember that they are possibly life extending? Do I live like I am dying? Or do I live until I am dying?

I am trying to get my head around this stuff. For anyone who isn't in my mind-space this must seem wildly trite. But it isn't....